I know that I didn’t die – but I went to some pretty nasty and dark places during my stay in hospital. And one thing was confirmed for me… when all else seems to be lost… they can still hear you.
I was brought to HDU from the first of the series of emergency surgeries. It was the height of the pregabalin withdrawal and I was in full body spasm. I wasn’t able to talk, to explain it wasn’t surgical pain, so they gave me Ketamine via infusion.
Once it kicked in, I was dead still, I must have had my eyes closed because I have no visual memory. But I could hear all the conversations going on around me – discussing how the drugs had kicked in, how they needed to keep a close eye on me.. all conversations about me as if I wasn’t there. But I was. I was trapped inside, I couldn’t move, open my eyes or speak. But I could hear everything.
During the 9 days of horrific withdrawal (the reason for which is in a separate blog – but basically they f***ked up and forgot to chart the meds so didn’t give me any – effectively instant cold turkey – pretty dangerous) I was given all sorts of drugs to try and treat the withdrawal symptoms.
The most horrific of which was diazepam.
It stopped the muscle spasms.. it stopped everything. Once again, I was absolutely paralysed, unable to open my eyes, move or speak. This happened within 20 mins of it being administered. As if that wasn’t frightening enough it was also giving me horrific waking trippy nightmares. I simply had no way of telling anyone that I was there, I was listening, could hear them. Once again, it was like being trapped, locked inside a paralysed body.
But I could hear everything.
Remember, if someone is so sick that they cannot move, speak or communicate, they can still hear you. I could still hear you, all of you.